Did You Betray Your Partner? | Recovering From Betrayal Part 1 Episode 301, May 5, 2023
Since men are human, they can make mistakes. One aspect of life we make mistakes in is our relationships. Since so many studies show that a strong prediction of happiness and longevity is the quality of our relationships, betraying our partner is a significant issue.
Google says that nearly half of individuals in monogamous relationships admit to having an affair. Close to 25% of marriages stay together after an instance of cheating.
My guest today, Vanessa Cardenas, is your trusted advisor for Betrayal and Transformation. Vanessa is a highly experienced C-Suite Executive, Mentor, Coach, and Speaker with a degree in Industrial Psychology. She is also the founder and CEO of Understanding Ear, LLC, where she empowers individuals and groups to heal from betrayal, amplify their authenticity, and find love and happiness on their terms.
Vanessa delivers a master class on men who’ve betrayed their spouses but want to stay together. She shares the three aspects of cheating, why women can’t just “get over it,” and seven reasons why men cheat. You’ll also learn what got Vanessa working with betrayal.
Be willing to have difficult conversations before betrayal to avoid needing them after.
Topics and Questions
- 1:34 – In your work, what constitutes betrayal?
- 2:14 – The three aspects of cheating.
- 5:47 – Are men and women equally likely to cheat?
- 7:10 – Did you initially work exclusively with women?
- 9:09 – Does it matter why a man cheats?
- 9:37 – Vanessa’s experience with being betrayed.
- 13:37 – Seven most popular reasons why men cheat.
- 19:56 – Does having any of these reasons mean you are destined for betrayal?
- 20:26 – Does blame and responsibility fall on both partners?
- 20:52 – The very first thing to do once you’ve come clean.
- 24:39 – Is there anything men should NOT do?
- 25:55 – Can a relationship be better post-betrayal?
- 28:11 – What men can do to rebuild the relationship.
- 31:33 – How a relationship can be better post-healing.
- 34:18 – Men are taught not to feel.
- 35:57 – What do you tell a man who can’t understand why his wife can’t just ‘let it go?”
- 37:34 – Returning for part two, When You’ve Been Betrayed.
- 39:40 – Recommended resources and how to get in touch with Vanessa
“If you don’t make time for your relationship. You will be forced to make time for your loneliness.”
Vanessa Cardenas
Links
Vanessa Cardenas — https://www.understandingear.com
Talk to Vanessa — https://www.understandingear.com/betrayed-men
Recommended books
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating — https://amzn.to/3LAs6yP
The Gift of Fear — https://amzn.to/4191V86
Dealing with the Devastation of Your Partners’ Betrayal: What to Do When Your World Falls Apart — https://amzn.to/42lwlEU
Dealing with the Devastation of Your Partner’s Betrayal: How to Talk to Your Kids, Parents, In-Laws, Friends, and Others — https://amzn.to/3HGcOaD
Book a call with Andy → https://theandygrant.com/talk
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Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash
I absolutely loved this interview. It brought awareness on how men really think when they cheat. I saw how my mother suffered from my father’s infidelity, and hearing Vanessa’s wisdom on the topic helped me see a different perspective of what might’ve happened inside my father’s mind. I understand there were components and missing information due to the lack of communication in their marriage. It absolutely broke my heart, and I carried both their pain for years. This is opening up a part of my life that still needs to heal.
Thank you so much for this. And Eric you’re an amazing host. The quality of content you present is unmatched, your listening skills and the way you highlight the points with additional insights sets you apart as a magnificent coach.
Forever grateful 🙏
Clayre
Thanks for much Clayre, very glad this episode has helped you to heal.
We’ve got no host named Eric, but your comments and support are appreciated 🙂
Be well – Andy
Dearest Clayre:
I am so sorry that your mother went through such heartache…as did you as a witness to it and to harbor the pain for years. May wounds heal to a faint scar, a reminder of the strength that you and your mother have. It was my honor to provide a perspective that helps even in some small way. Wishing you both an abundance of love as you continue to support each other. Feel free to reach out for more resources…if you want to go far on your healing journey…go with others so that they may show you the way.
~ Vanessa Cardenas
Vanessa did deliver a Master Class on betrayal. I have seen a few close friends & family members experience partner betrayal and believe that if they would/could have heard this interview, heard the Vanessa explain the differences & expectations & possiblities for repairing a relationship, the outcome might have been very different. It’s great to hear that these resources are available for both women & men & I now have references to pass on should anyone be in need.
thank you both,
Pam
Dearest Pam:
Thank you for your kind words. Betrayal by infidelity is just plan awful for both men and women. Andy provides a wonderful resource and platform by which men have permission to express themselves and learn that mistakes do happen even in the best of relationships, however with communication and a whole lot of love, repairing and healing is possible.
Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts and express such kind words.
Wishing you continued peace on your journey
Vanessa Cardenas
What a real learning experience, eye opening for sure. Vanessa you are such an outstanding role model for women who have been through betrayal. Glad to know you even more. Andy thank you for inviting Vanessa to share her expertise and thank for demonstrating what a real men feel. Too often women have no idea about how men feel. Glad you have chosen to shed light on this subject and demonstrate this for all to see. Look forward to learning more from both of you.
Dearest Onjena:
Thank you for your kind words.
It was my honor to be invited on Andy’s very much needed podcast, Real Men Feel.
Betrayal is often cloaked in guilt and shame. Men feel in ways that they struggle to share and communicate effectively with their partners. Regrettably that can become the ignition switch to a catastrophic event that threatens to end a relationship. Gratefully, Andy has created a much needed community that gives space for men to learn that they are not alone in their struggles.
I look forward to Part 2 where we flip the situation to a man being betrayed by his beloved. Hope you’ll take a listen to that episode as well.
Thanks again for your kind words.
Vanessa Cardenas
It was my honor to be a guest on episode 301 of Real Men Feel Podcast.
A listener reached out to me independently, very upset regarding my comments related to the Adult Entertainment Industry. While I addressed it directly with this listener, I wanted to take the opportunity to answer it here as well for the benefit of others. My regret is that this listener did not listen to the whole episode and missed valuable content, however I respect that this might have been triggering especially if there is a p0rn addiction component, which is an entirely different conversation than the one shared within this episode. I believe that Andy has had a guest on this platform that exclusively discussed p0rn, our conversation for this episode was focused was on betrayal within a relationship.
Comment: I’ll be honest… you lost me after saying some relationships may benefit from 🌽 to spice things up. I’m not sure how anyone could benefit from an industry that promotes violence against women, sex trafficking, etc. but I tried to keep listening after that until the host made it sound like “regular” 🌽 isn’t cheating, only OFs.
“Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate everyone’s point of view. It’s understandable that you have concerns about the adult entertainment industry and its potential negative effects on women. However, it’s important to note that consenting adults have the right to engage in any activity they choose, as long as it’s legal, ethical, not abusive to another and doesn’t turn into an addiction. In the context of relationships, it’s up to each individual or couple to determine their own boundaries and what is acceptable behavior for them and most importantly, that they’ve communicated those with each other. While some people may find that incorporating adult content, such as 🌽, into their relationship can add excitement and variety, I respect that it’s not for everyone.
It’s also important to note that there is a distinction between ethical and consensual adult content, and unethical practices such as sex trafficking and exploitation. It’s crucial to condemn any form of exploitation or abuse and support efforts to combat these issues.
In terms of ones personal preference, it’s entirely valid to not want their partner to engage with adult content. Every individual has their own boundaries and preferences, and it’s essential to communicate them openly and respectfully with their partner. Ultimately, it’s up to each couple to determine what works best for them and to communicate and respect each other’s boundaries and feelings. And that was the goal of discussing betrayal on the Real Men Feel podcast…to advocate for communication, respect, boundaries, and feelings.
Thanks again for taking the time to listen and share your feedback. I wish you continued success on your healing journey.
Vanessa Cardenas
Here is a recent blog that highlights the unintended consequences of the adult industry related to medication.
https://www.understandingear.com/the-adult-industry's-unintended-consequence
Wow, great interview. In depth and insightful. There’s such shame surrounding betrayal. But bringing it into the light, is so important. So many women (and men) stay stuck in their pain. Vanessa is really shattering that stigma around betrayal. And showing people there’s healing on the other side. Thank you for this conversation. So needed in our world today.
Dearest Dana
Thank you for taking the time to listen and leave sure a heartfelt comment. Truly appreciated ~ may those that need to hear this podcast, find it and the solace to know that they are not alone.
Thanks again
Vanessa Cardenas
This was such a great discussion. Congratulations Andy for bringing on someone who has personally been through the experience of betrayal. Vanessa’s story is one of not only the pain involved in betrayal, but it’s impact on trust, self worth, and health. The amazing thing is that she managed to reach the other side and is able to help others. Most people run and hide after a traumatic event, Vanessa thank you for your bravery in bringing your story forward as proof that we can all “mend” from our tragedies, get stronger, and then use that strength to help others. For anyone dealing with a betrayal, I would certainly recommend a closer look at how Vanessa can guide you forward to a better place.