Self-described “regular guy,” Al Flemming, joins us to talk about life, fatherhood, happiness and being a man. Al messaged the show about wanting to hear more stories from everyday guys. Guys living extraordinary lives and the struggles they’ve overcome.
“I want to be happy in life. As long as I continue to do that and be a naturally loving person, then I’m a success.” ~ Al Flemming
Al’s message to the show: “I think shows with regular guys -people who don’t have books, clients, websites (or ones that are not updated ) etc.- yet still get up and keep going everyday. Regular guys who have stories that are inspiring because they could just fade into non-existence but that just keep going. That fascinates me and inspires me. I just wonder why those guys (yes guys like me) are not highlighted. Not everyone’s “greatness” includes books, social media presence, etc.”
Topics and Questions Include:
Why did you reach out?
Attention versus being of service.
Importance of being a dad.
Al’s experience as a son.
What Al has overcome.
How did you learn what it means to be a man?
What is a great dad?
What does ‘regular guy’ mean to you?
Can you share a habit, practice, program, or book that has helped you?
Curator of TheMensSchool, Jan Hutchins, returns to the Real Men Feel to talk about political discourse, men’s work, hallucinations, division, responsibility, and the shit hitting the fan. TheMensSchool is a public Facebook group with over 4,000 members. It is a learning community cultivating the deep sacred masculine in us all (clear, compassionate, cooperative, secure).
“It is part of being a man of the world to play a role in the experience you’re having. To take responsibility for your world and your life.” ~ Jan Hutchins
Jan is two-time prior guest of the show and we begin by revisiting a previous topic; Is life easy or hard? Then we move on to the subject many try to avoid but has become too dominant an aspect of our culture – politics. Specifically, what prompted him to begin sharing political posts in TheMensSchool and what the reaction has been. The conversation takes us to hallucinations, trauma, chaos, and how best to chill through the showman’s shit storm.
Topics and Questions Include:
Revisiting, Is life easy or hard?
Suffering.
What made you decide to first share political articles and opinions?
What’s the response been?
Why Jan likes push-back.
Why have we become so jaded and cynical?
Is this extreme divisiveness the new normal or an aberration?
Do you have any fears or hopes around a Trump reelection?
A viral response from Trump supporters.
What might unwind the tension?
The corporate takeover of the U.S.
What might prompt the bringing together of people again?
Inspirational speaker, author, combat veteran, and dog trainer, Ryan Matthews, discusses reshaping what a man does by experiencing the healing power of sharing your trauma to grow and help others.
“I had been a boy in a man body for most of my life.” ~ Ryan Matthews
Ryan shares a wide range of experiences ranging from being a drug dealer to training elite Army K-9s, to multiple near-death experiences, and realizing his tough guy, machismo act wasn’t really him. This episode is chock full of authenticity, awareness, vulnerability, and dogs.
Topics and Questions Include:
The desire to isolate.
How did you get started training dogs?
Having a million-dollar business, but feeling like a failure.
You’ve had multiple near-death experiences, were they all variations on the same lesson?
Why share your pain?
How did you open up to your feminine side?
Ryan’s song, “That’s What a Man Does.”
What are the benefits of being authentic?
Why do so many men resist being seen as vulnerable?
Life lessons from dogs.
Tell us about your first TEDx Talk experience, “Overcoming PTSD Using Dog Training Techniques.”
Coach, Matt Dillingham, shares his insights around being willing to look deeper into ourselves and what to do with what you find.
“We are taught to resist what we feel and only express ourselves through anger. e posterchild for avoiding vulnerability. I avoided it at all costs.” ~Matt Dillingham
In the show, Matt shares a technique that eliminated his fear of flying and that he uses to help his client process their emotions.
Topics and Questions Include:
What is the biggest reason men commit the majority of crimes?
Is expressing emotions natural?
Were you ever called weak or a pussy?
The problem with focusing only on mindset
Is not expressing emotions something men are taught?
Are the dangers of a boy crying different than for a man?
As an emotional man, how did you end up in the Marines?
Why have men been told it is wrong to be vulnerable?
Author, Rick Sharpe, joins us to discuss his experience with depression following the end of a relationship and discovering the power in his own vulnerability. Note: Rick joined us from Dubai and the video froze a few times, but the audio is solid.
“I was the posterchild for avoiding vulnerability. I avoided it at all costs.” ~Rick Sharpe
Rick’s book and this conversation focuses on discovering the power in vulnerability as well as learning the difference between reacting and responding.
Topics and Questions Include:
What has you living in Dubai?
What prompted your book, The Price of Heartbreak?
Was this your first breakup?
What was your healing process like?
Discovering Brené Brown.
Where did you learn it was wrong to be vulnerable?
What was the goal of the book?
What’s the best thing that has happened from writing, The Price of Heartbreak?
Were you afraid to know yourself?
What stands out as a key to your growth and healing?
Some men respond to heartbreak by giving up on relationships entirely, is that something you considered?
My wife and I recently returned home for a two week trip to the Middle East, spending one week in Israel and the next week in Jordan. The rock-carved city of Petra was the main reason behind the trip. But both countries had a lot to offer and warrant repeat visits.
We had a fantastic time full of ancient sites, sacred places, and friendly people. I learned a lot about the religion and politics of the area and found I had many misconceptions about the Middle East from growing up in the US. My time in Israel was probably the most intellectually and politically challenging trip I’ve taken. We talked with Arabs, Jews, Christians, Muslims, Palestinians, Isralies, and Jordanians.
Toward the final days, I noticed moments of sadness that things were winding down. The sadness was mixed with a feeling that two weeks was long enough and I was ready to return home. I recalled years earlier when it was normal for me to feel depressed with days remaining of a vacation because I so dreaded my return to daily life.
Some people like vacations of sitting on the beach and doing nothing. I prefer active holidays where I do things I don’t usually do, especially when I worked as a cube dweller for corporate America.
When I tried to just lay on the beach in the past, my thoughts would turn negative. I’d focus on all the things I didn’t like instead of relaxing. Then I’d drink to remove those thoughts. That worked in the short term, but if I just wanted to drink, I could do that at home much cheaper, so I quickly stopped those sort of trips too.
I’ve visited such places as Machu Pichu, Stonehenge, and Easter Island. I’ve been white water rafting, rappelling, and hiking in Europe, South America, and Africa. A staycation can be nice, but my favorite vacations are ones when I need another vacation to recover from them.
Floating in the Dead Sea
Even today, I can recall being in the jungles of Belize in 2005, but feeling very down because the following Monday I’d be back at work. It was a time that I thought I hated my job, and sometimes my life. Yet, a few days prior, I was enjoying myself and life.
These realizations helped me learn the power of being present. When fully present, I felt better. I wondered why was it that I was time traveling in my thinking.
Why was I ignoring the fantastic experiences I was having to jump forward to my return to the mundane?
I decided that since I could be full of energy and joy on a vacation when I was present and focused on what I was doing, that I would do my best to live like I was on vacation. All the time.
I did pretty well at that for a long time. Treating each day like it was new. Looking for things that were unusual, special, and fun. If those weren’t apparent, I find a way to bring those elements to what I was doing.
The Western Wall, or Wailing Wall, in the Old City of Jerusalem.
So as I noticed some sadness as this trip was winding down, I explored what exactly I was feeling sad about. I was going to miss the people. We were a group of 13 in Israel and then 16 in Jordan. I liked my instant family of global citizens traveling, sharing, dining together for long days full of once in a lifetime experiences.
Back home, I often work in isolation. I sometimes forget to admit to myself that I actually like people. I was going to miss having a guide take me to amazing new places every day. I was going to miss having every day planned by someone else when I just needed to show up and be marveled. I would miss walking into restaurants and recognizing a dozen faces. There was no responsibility or stress. Just being present and amazed.
Realizing that I was sad over what was ending as opposed to what I was returning to, made me smile.
This week Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by therapist, sex educator, author, and dad, Jo Langford, to discuss talking with teenage boys about sex. The technology of today makes discussing sex with teens very different from what it was when you first heard “the talk.”
“Fear and ignorance around sexuality cause problems.” ~Jo Langford
If you have a teenage boy, there’s a 50 percent chance that he’s already sexually active, and a 33 percent chance that he’s been solicited by an online predator in the past year. How prepared is he for the risks and realities of sex?
Jo’s mission is to provide healthy social and sexual information to teens and their parents, in a multi-pronged approach consisting of live speaking events, books and a number of resources for youth, their families and other professionals around that intersection of adolescence, sexuality, and technology.
Topics Covered Include:
Did you have a fantastic sex talk with your dad as a kid that set you on this path?
The guys each share what their sex talks were like from their parents.
Does technology make discussing sex with teens different today when we were kids?
How does internet porn change what teens know when it comes to sex?
What do parents look out for that says it’s time for a discussion?
The positive aspects of porn.
Jo’s journey from peer counselor to sex educator.
Is there a common mistake parents make when it comes to talking about sex with their kids?
The widening language around gender and sexual identity.
Jo has a Spare Me “The Talk” book for boys and another version for girls. His upcoming book, The Pride Guide, is the first puberty book for queer and trans kids.
Half the battle is being an accessible parent.
Gender identity and sexual identity don’t necessarily go hand in hand. Only 48% of youth identify themselves as “exclusively heterosexual.”
This week Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by author, Hogan Hilling, to discuss the shifting roles of fatherhood. Hilling is the author of the Dads Behaving Dadly series and also the founder of the #WeLoveDads Campaign and United We Parent.
“One of the biggest assumptions is that a guy is a stay-at-home dad as a last resort. That he had no choice.” ~Hogan Hilling
Hogan’s mission is to dispel the unfair stigma of dads as incompetent parents and more importantly prove Fatherhood Is Alive and Well! He loved being a full-time caregiver to his kids, but everyone around him kept telling him it was wrong. He got tired of defending himself and having to justify his choices in ways stay-at-home moms never have to.
“I haven’t lost any masculinity by staying home!”
Topics Covered Include:
The stigma stay-at-home dads face.
What assumptions are made about stay-at-home dads?
The one thing Hogan focuses on as a father.
“Coming out of the pantry.”
Dads are not replacements for moms.
The power and benefits of dad support groups.
The danger and splintering of so many parent support groups.
There is still a bias that moms are much better parents than dads. That dads are inept as caregivers and parents. That is why many men are still hesitant to come out of the pantry.
All parents need to drop the adjectives before their names: stay-at-home dad, working mom, gay dad, stepfather…follow the leads of your kids who only introduce you as dad.
This week Andy Grant and Appio Hunter discover the path to the creation of The Men School, a school dedicated to cultivating the divine masculine in all of us with Jan Darwin Hutchins.
“Why, after having been a lone wolf all my life, did I feel so alone?” ~Jan Darwin Hutchins
Jan was successful at a young age, living the dream as a TV sports anchor, yet he felt rather empty. In his 50s he realized he had made no real friends over his life. An experience witnessing the support a dying friend received from a men’s group made him realize he was not alone and that he could trust other men. He discovered there was an initiation he could do to become one of those men. Jan did it and confirmed that he was not alone, didn’t need to be alone and could trust men.
“The problem with life is there is no end to the problems.”
Topics Covered Include:
Jan’s background including TV news, politics, yoga and more.
What lead to the creation of The Men School?
The masks we all wear.
The need for and benefits of doing the inner work.
The power of men’s groups.
The current state of The Men’s School and plans for the future.
Do we ever graduate from Men School?
Jan shares some research on wolves in Yellowstone.
All three men answer the question: If there was one thing you could teach or make all men aware of, what would it be?
TheMenSchool
“We are a learning community cultivating the sacred deep masculine in us all.”
As social animals, we require a source of stabilization from outside ourselves. Our shared connections and, co-corrections, literally keep us sane.
TheMenSchool is here to:
—keep learning to model the divine masculine
—see you excel in your individual life
When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.~Byron Katie
