Real Men Feel: Episode 50, Internalized Homophobia

Real Men Feel

Internalized Homophobia, Episode 50, March 7, 2017

This week on Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter discuss the concept and share experiences of internalized homophobia. Thanks to an organic gathering of live listeners the perspectives of straight, gay and bisexual men are expressed.

Key topics include; that the put-down of “gay” has nothing to do with sexuality and is all about making someone feel “less” of a man, the notion of separation along many different attributes, and the fact that we are really of one race, the human race.

We also talk about how easy it is to mock a label or term you don’t understand, and that so many issues of attacking an “other” comes from a lack of self-love.

The backstory of this episode can be found in this post – Why Does Being Called ‘Gay’ Bother Me?

#RealMenFeel

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Watch this episode on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com

Why Does Being Called ‘Gay’ Bother Me?


When I first started speaking and doing honest videos about my experiences with depression, molestation and suicide attempts seven years ago, being called “gay” was one of my biggest fears. Imagining my authentic and vulnerable sharing being met by derision and mockery kept me silent for too long. By the time I got such a comment it actually made me laugh.

stop being so gay!

Click to enlarge image.

My podcast, Real Men Feel, has now gotten it’s first “gay” comment. An important threshold has been crossed! I have yet to decide how or if to respond. I’m finding myself particularly triggered by this one. I think it coming from someone with my own name is making me want to fight back as opposed to laughing it off, or thanking him for being a scholar and a gentleman. What would you do? You can watch it here if you like. (Note: since this was first published he has gone back and deleted his comment and my reply asking him to be on the show.)

◊♦◊

Being called “gay” is the put-down that goes back the farthest and was the easiest to throw at anyone when I was a kid. Anyone or anything not seen as tough, macho or in proper alignment with being a man (which was never clearly defined), would be labeled as “gay”. In elementary school, I was in the school band, chorus, and plays, but by the time I was in high school I stopped doing all of that—even when I had a genuine interest in continuing. It was all over peer pressure and my fear of the judgment of others.

Begin called “gay” has never struck me as sexual. I never took it as though they are calling me a homosexual. It wasn’t like kids went around screaming, “You’re attracted to men!” at each other. The hurling of that term, “gay”, was saying I wasn’t a man. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t right.

“That’s so gay.” “Don’t be gay.” “You’re so gay.” Anything being called “gay” was the ultimate dismissal of it. As a kid, there was no acceptable response. When I first began hearing “gay” as a put-down I don’t think I was even aware of what homosexuality meant. Maybe for a boy who knows he is gay today, a response of, “Yes. I am gay” might shut bullies up, or perhaps it makes the torment increase. When I was growing up, continuing to act in whatever way was being ridiculed only guaranteed more ridicule and mockery.

The same day that the Real Men Feel episode got the “…don’t be so fucking gay” comment, another viewer posted positive comments on three other videos. This reminds me of advice I received five years ago when one person kept posting negative comments on my videos about my experiences, and I took them all very personally. A friend asked me, “Why do you focus on the one negative comment as opposed to the dozens of positive ones?” I had no answer. That woke me up to the fact that any comment attacking me was outnumbered by dozens of comments thanking me.

Other people have pointed out that “gay” originally meant carefree, happy, joyous, and lighthearted. Some European friends say that is still the primary meaning there and that they didn’t realize this was somehow a put-down in the US. So over the course of the 20th century, American masculinity decided that being happy, joyous and lighthearted was not something a true man should have anything to do with.

◊♦◊

Recently I noticed someone shared a Real Men Feel show link on Facebook saying “for my sensitive male friends.” Sensitive is another word that makes me bristle a bit. I was often called sensitive growing up and it never seemed like it was a compliment. My own wife was told by a friend that I was sensitive before she met me, that always struck me as some sort of warning to her, but she failed to heed it.

Being called sensitive is right up there with the notion of “nice guys finish last.” I can’t remember where or when I first heard that but it was embedded in my mental programming at an early age it seems.

So what the hell is so wrong with being sensitive? Nothing. Yet, for whatever reason, that adjective is not one I like being used on me. And does my being bothered by being called gay mean I really do have some sort of internalized homophobia? That is more difficult to answer. I can see that possibility. I’m not homophobic to the point of treating others differently, but there is still some societal bullshit in me that wants to make sure nobody thinks I’m gay. I don’t know what I can do about that, but one thing I can do is dedicate an upcoming episode of Real Men Feel to this notion of internalized homophobia. I even replied to that other Andy Grant (#NotMyAndyGrant), inviting him on to the show.

Any change starts with awareness and open discussion. Perhaps in time, my new natural response to being called “sensitive” or “gay” will be a heartfelt, thank you.

Originally published at GoodMenProject.com. This resulted in the Real Men Feel show on March 7, 2017 being about internalized homophobia.

***

About The Author
Andy GrantAndy Grant is a best-selling author, award-winning speaker, Transformational Energy Coach, Akashic Records Reader and suicide prevention activist. He holds certificates in Positive Psychology, the Enwaken Coaching System, Akashic Records, Infinite Possibilities and Reiki, as well as other leadership programs and energy work modalities.

Andy teaches workshops ranging from energy tools to ebook publishing, and is the founder of Real Men Feel, a movement encouraging men to come out of the emotional closet. He also facilitates monthly men’s groups and is a contributor at the GoodMenProject. As a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, Andy knows how low we as human beings can feel, and he is committed to helping people realize how magnificent life is meant to be. Learn more about Andy at TheAndyGrant.com

Real Men Feel: Episode 49, Empowering The Family Unit with Kirsty and James Greenshields

Real Men Feel with The Greenshields

Empowering The Family Unit with Kirsty and James Greenshields, Episode 49, February 28, 2017

On this episode of Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by Kirsty and James Greenshields to explore how you can empower your own family to make a positive effect on your community and the world.

Since 2009, Kirsty and James, founders of Resilient Leaders Foundation, have been assisting others to uncover their leadership potential. Between them, they’ve touched the lives of 1000’s of humans directly, and countless others, indirectly. Their vision is: “To provide young people with the tools and resources they need to positively impact humanity and create a better planet.”

The Greenshields share their own journeys along with the importance of personal resiliency and emotional literacy in improving families, communities and the globe.

#RealMenFeel

Connect with Kirsty and James at CentreForResiliantLeadership.com, Twitter @LeaderSoulShip, @YOUHealthWealth, and Facebook ResilientLeadersFoundation

Learn more about the Young Warrior Project

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Watch this episode on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com

Real Men Feel: Episode 48, The Anatomy of Awareness with guest, Amanda Foy

Real Men Feel Show

The Anatomy of Awareness with Amanda Foy, Episode 48, February 21, 2017

On the latest Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by their friend, Emotional Strength Trainer Amanda Foy, to explore emotions, awareness, and how emotional trauma affects our cells and health.

Amanda says that guilt and shame are the only useless emotions. They have no purpose but to make you feel horrible. Guilt is acceptance without positive action. Shame is a lack of acceptance or acknowledgment of having a human experience. While trauma is defined by each person. What one person finds traumatic another person may not. It can depend on what we were taught and how we are expected to be.

“When you get sick, it is your body’s way of taking you out of a situation you don’t know how to handle. Illness comes when you are too stubborn to do the work you need to do, so it is a good thing.” ~ Amanda Foy

#RealMenFeel

Amanda’s favorite book: The Secret Language of Your Body

Connect with Amanda at AmandaFoy.com.au, Twitter @amandafoy_est, and Facebook AmandaFoyOfficial

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Like to watch? See this episode on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com

Real Men Feel: Episode 47, What I Learned About Men Working As An Escort with guest, Deva Logan

What I Learned About Men While Working As An Escort with Deva Logan, Episode 47, February 13, 2017

This week on Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined once again by the Vixen Goddess, Deva Logan, to share the top five things she learned about men while working as an escort. As a special Valentines Day treat, Deva also leads us through a masters class in oral sex.

If explicit language bothers you, stay away from this episode. If you are cool with it, and are ready to love that pussy and dick, enjoy!

“If men decided and accepted that there masculinity was established at birth and they could be whoever the fuck they wanted to be, life would be much easier.” Deva Logan

#RealMenFeel

Connect with Deva at Facebook.com/DevaLogan, Twitter @devathegoddess, and Instagram DevaTheGoddess

Catch Deva’s first appearance on Real Men Feel – Episode 44: Open Relationships

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Like to watch? See this episode on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com

Real Men Feel: Episode 46, The Evolved Masculine with guest, Destin Gerek

Real Men Feel - Destin Gerek

The Evolved Masculine with Destin Gerek, Episode 46, February 7, 2017

This week on Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by Destin Gerek to talk about the archetype of the Evolved Masculine, what it means and making a positive impact on the world. We also delve into the notion of toxic masculinity, the power of experience, that Trump guy, the need to hold up what is right not only call out what is wrong, and much more.

Destin shares some of his own journey, including the realization that the version of masculinity shown to him while growing up wasn’t for him, and his time living the Erotic Rockstar life.

Destin calls on all good men in the world to claim their fucking power! “The more I serve, the more I receive.”

#RealMenFeel

Check out the Evolved Masculine Blueprint

Connect with Destin on Facebook.

Tune in to Destin’s show The Evolved Masculine: Redefining Sex, Power & Success – Destin Gerek

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Like to watch? See this episode on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

This week’s recommend book – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com

 

 

Real Men Feel: Episode 45, The Good Men Project with guest, Michael Kasdan

Real Men Feel show

The Good Men Project, Episode 45, January 31, 2017

This week on Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by Director of Special Projects, Michael Kasdan, who shares just what the heck the Good Men Project is and how it might help you. Michael shares the background and current state of GMP, as well as some of his own journey.

Despite some Internet connection problems, we believe all the core points from Michael made it into the show.

The Good Men Project, which began as a book, is a participatory media company having the conversation that no one else is having. It is much more than an online magazine of men’s issues, it is building a community of people looking to change the world.

#RealMenFeel

Check out the GoodMenProject.com

#NotWeakJustHuman PSA

Connect with Michael on Facebook or Twitter.

Andy has become a contributing writer, see his articles.

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Like to watch? See this episode on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com

 

 

Real Men Feel: Episode 44, Exploring Open Relationships with guest, Deva Logan

Real Men Feel - Open Relationships

Exploring Open Relationships with Deva Logan, Episode 44, January 24, 2017

This week on Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by The Vixen Goddess, Deva Logan a Relationship, Sex and Life Enthusiast. Deva leads us for a candid, honest, and funny exploration of open relationships. Deva’s mission is to help people to transform their lives using sex and love.

The show covers what is an open relationship, sexual energy, and the fact that we all have three pussies or three dicks. Deva shares her personal journey and common reactions she encounters when people discover she is in an open relationship and gives everyone the challenge to explore open relationships for thirty days. An open relationship is about a lot more than just sex.

#RealMenFeel

Connect with Deva at Facebook.com/DevaLogan, Twitter @devathegoddess, and Instagram DevaTheGoddess

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Like to watch? See us on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com

Deva Logan

 

Real Men Feel: Episode 43, Tapping Into Feminine Energy for Better Dating and Relationships

Real Men Feel

Tapping Into Your Feminine Energy For Better Dating and Relationships, Episode 43, January 17, 2017

In this episode of Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by Brandon Marshall Havener, (The Spiritual Smartass) for a fun conversation around men allowing more of their feminine side – their feelings, softness and playfulness – for improved dating and relationships. Brandon is an expert by discovering this all the hard way.

Men can tap into their feminine energy by expressing themselves and not holding any emotions in. Be willing to communicate about your emotional state, and remember that crying or being angry doesn’t make you any less of a man.
No relationshipping in your dating, and don’t stop dating in your relationships!

#RealMenFeel

Connect with Brandon at Facebook.com/OBHav

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Watch this episode on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com

Real Men Feel: Episode 42, Humanizing Sexual Abuse with guest, Ben Gaddes

Real Men Feel

Humanizing Sexual Abuse with guest, Ben Gaddes, Episode 42, January 10, 2017

On the 2017 premiere of Real Men Feel, Andy Grant and Appio Hunter are joined by Ben Gaddes, M.A. for a powerful and open conversation around sexual abuse with Ben sharing his own experiences from multiple sides. Humanizing sexual abuse is not about normalizing it, but moving from seeing monsters and angels to seeing human beings on both sides.

#RealMenFeel

Learn more about Stop It Now StopItNow.org.

The This American Life episode Ben mentioned upworthy.com/this-19-year-old-pedophile-has-never-gone-near-a-child-and-he-needs-you-to-hear-his-story

Like the show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Subscribe to the Real Men Feel podcast in iTunes.

Join our private Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/realmenfeel/

Watch this episode on YouTube.

Enjoy Real Men Feel on Stitcher.

Listen to the podcast on Google Play.

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to realmenfeel@gmail.com