WTF Happened? Where is Andy? Episode 261, July 7, 2022
This is the first episode of Real Men Feel since October of 2021. Such a long break was not my plan. Today, I attempt to explain what happened and open up about my dark night of the soul and all the underlying shame that had me withdraw from everything. I’ve spent months living in complete apathy. I’ve only recently gotten to a place of genuinely wanting that to change.
You can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to be helped. I did not want to be helped. I ignored everyone who offered support or even just asked if I was okay. Only in the past month have I been willing to feel better.
Part of my process is authentically sharing what I’ve been going through. I’m not sure that I make much sense, which is probably true for anyone in the midst of depression and an existential crisis. I apologize for vanishing on you, and I hope something resonates with you. Be well.
Update: Since this episode was released I’ve heard how much it resonated with many people. This email (shared here with permission) really touched me.
Colin MacKenzie Sat, Jul 9, 4:44 AM to RealMenFeel@gmail.com Hi Andy, I listened to your most recent podcast today (WTF Happened? Where is Andy?) I want to thank you for your vulnerability, your honesty, your courage. I found your podcast so coherent, it really resonated with me, and I feel a deep sense of compassion for you. Thank you! I was missing your podcasts and had a nagging sense of unease as to how you were doing. I did however find that your social media posts from Egypt, put me at ease. I have found a lot of inspiration from your podcasts, as part of my own healing process. I sincerely appreciate them. I also appreciate you putting the podcasting to one side, and making room for yourself EVEN MORE. I appreciate WHO YOU ARE more than what you do, or don't do. Your last podcast touched me because it spoke to those times where my own healing process had stopped up. Perhaps it is a sign that in my eagerness to become whole, I am forcing my healing process too hard. Fear and doubts creep as exhaustion takes hold. I burnout on healing. I have recognised a pattern where I need to have "fallow" periods. These tend to precede a transformation of some kind, however they can feel excruciating when I am in them. I get so frustrated at myself; I can't believe I am "back here" AGAIN. I always think it will be the last time. However, if I can see beyond my frustration and discust at myself for "failing" at life, and trust that "this is where I am meant to be in my process" then I can feel a calmness. There is a lesson here for me; that self love is key. I still have a long way to go on that journey, I recognise my own patterns of social withdrawal, then using blame and anger to cover my sense of shame. On a good day I can forgive myself and others. I can suspend my judgements, and open myself and surrender to feeling blessed by a divine love and grace. I have to appologise, this wasn't meant to be about me. I want you to know that I find your vulnerability inspiring. I have tears in my eyes writing this. I want to send you heartfelt gratitude and love. Real Men Feel Andy. You have been one of my teachers. I believe that men and society has much healing to do, and I view your example of sharing masculine vulnerability as a gift. I see so much good in you. With love and gratitude. Colin MacKenzie Norway
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