What’s Wrong With Being A Nice Guy? Episode 224, February 2, 2021
Dr. Robert Glover, the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, joins us to discuss nice guy syndrome, covert contracts, relationships, and boundaries. Plus, he’ll answer questions I’ve received from men who’ve read the book.
“If I’m just a good guy, if I do everything right, if I make everybody happy, if I don’t have any faults, mistakes, or problems, then I’ll be liked and loved and get my needs met.” ~ Robert Glover
I have been called a nice guy for much of my life. Most often by girls who didn’t want to go with me. I’ve always hated the saying Nice Guys Finish Last… that is a phrase that I ruminated on as I spiraled into depression many times growing up. I thought this book would come off as judgemental and that I was going to feel like shit reading it. To my pleasant surprise, I agreed with it and quickly so why so many guys recommend it.
Dr. Glover shares so many insights in this conversation. There is an essential difference between being a kind and decent person and being a “nice guy.” Nice Guy Syndrome is a paradigm established at a very young age where we decide always to be good, do everything right, and hide all possible faults to get what we want or avoid what we don’t want. It is a survival mechanism that we are blind to. Dr. Glover digs into toxic shame, the friend zone, covert contracts, and gives a master class on boundaries.
If you realize you are a “nice guy,” know that you are not alone. You can find a place to release your internalized toxic shame and get accurate feedback as to who you are. We must all learn to accept our imperfections. We are all flawed and have rough edges. Working with safe people begins to reverse that internalization that you are wrong, different, and flawed. You can learn to genuinely and authentically love yourself just as you are.
- (2:13) Is being nice the same as being a “nice guy?”
- (4:36) What goes into the creation of Nice Guy Syndrome?
- (7:42) Could a man develop Nice Guy Syndrome at any age?
- (12:58) What made you aware that you were a nice guy, and what prompted you to do something about that?
- (12:19) Was there one moment in your life that you realized this aspect of your energy?
- (17:05) How has interest in the book changed since it was published?
- (20:44) Is being a Highly Sensitive Person different from being a Nice Guy?
- (22:30) How does being a nice guy affect intimate relationships?
- (30:00) Is being a nice guy something unique to American culture?
- (32:11) If someone realizes that they are in the midst of Nice Guy Syndrome, what is their best first step to move forward?
- (35:52) From Men’s Group members on boundaries
- (48:44) What are you looking forward to?
- (50:05) What the best way for people to learn more and connect with you?
“We all are trying to get close to somebody and get love and get sex… while protecting ourselves from a great fear. And the other person is doing the same thing.” ~ Robert Glover
Grab the Real Men Feel Guide to Friendship for a list of places you can meet more male friends and get on the Real Men Feel weekly newsletter.
See Robert’s books, No More Mr. Nice Guy and Dating Essential For Men.
Books mentioned: Iron John: A Book About Men, and The Myth of Male Power: Why Men Are The Disposable Sex.
Need to talk about getting out of your own way? Visit TheAndyGrant.com/talk.
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